Day 8: Talking About Race in our Families
Greetings friends,
A confession: today’s action focus has me caught up in all my feelings. Here’s why.
The powerful and clear message Dr. Lucretia Carter Berry gave us, yesterday? One reason those of us who are white need such explicit encouragement, education and direction is because we grew up in families that practiced white silence. When I wrote Raising White Kids: Bringing Up Children in a Racially Unjust America I had so many white parents tell me that reading it made them realize they didn’t just need to parent their children differently, the book was showing them how to re-parent themselves!
Meanwhile, here’s the thing . . . as we begin to grow our antiracist understanding, skills and commitments . . . we don’t suddenly get different families. Once we hit a point where we realize how destructive and pervasive racism is on our world, we find ourselves part of the same families that made white silence or even active complicity with racism the familial cultural norm.
I cannot count the number of times, since 2016, I’ve heard white people say flippantly, “whatever you do, when you go home for that next holiday, don’t talk about politics or race.” I’ve even heard white folks offer that advice sincerely as a strategy to survive the difficult days we’re living in.
But, friends, we cannot do that!!!! We must not do that! There are so many reasons why.
Communities of color have made clear that white folks must work with other white folks, not only to take on more of the labor people of color can’t opt out of in order to survive (let alone thrive); but also because we’re also often in spaces with other white folks where people of color aren’t even present!
Every time I don’t interrupt, push back, engage race/racism in my family I not only teach the next generation of white kids that silence-to-avoid conflict is the right response to racism, but I also get re-formed in my own whiteness and complicity.
Finally? Transforming white communities cannot happen if the family isn’t taken seriously as a primary point of engagement. We need massive structural change and redistribution of access and resources; we also need to literally change the racialization of white communities as part of that change work. Those of us who are white, striving to grow antiracism, are absolutely key in that work and we have a lot more to do than we have to do this point.
In my video today, I talk about the strategy I’ve tried to take with my own extended family relationships. It’s the “Stay in it. Stay in it. And stay in it again, until it’s clearly time to go” strategy for antiracism in white-on-white relationships.
Here’s your action for today then (specifically for my white friends). Identify at least one racial dynamic that exists in your familial relationship where you haven’t fully “gone home with your antiracist values fully on your sleeve.” Make a plan for how you’re going to lean in with some kind of interruption (a question? a curiosity? a response that disrupts but strives to stay in connection?). Then—remember those two friends you’ve been checking in with? Reach out to them, or connect with folks who are part the brownicity forum—in short, get yourself some support!
Thank you for staying in it with me, with one another, and in this journey.
Jen
Day 1: Make a list of at least three specific ways you want to grow your lived commitment to antiracism.
Day 2: Talk with two people about what you need to do to interrupt, intervene or challenge a racist dynamic or situation and get their support in envisioning how to do it.
Day 3: Explore through the work of these projects (read about them, watch the videos) Acts of Reparation and the Community Remembrance Project as a way to contemplate generational legacies, learn about current efforts for remembrance and repair, nourish your own moral imagination for where you may be called to plug in.
Day 4: Find one question or one family story and decide to ask it or ask about it, to create “productive instability.”
Day 5: Try one of Chanté Griffin’s “tips” as a way of practice interracial relationship-building.
Day 6: Do an audit of where you spend your time and where you spend your money. Identify specific choices you could make to shift where spend your time and your resources from mostly white spaces into Black- and Brown-owned, run or majority spaces.
Day 7: “Spark a conversation with your child or students that inspires and liberates them to be more curious about how they can help dismantle racism” (thank you, Dr. Berry!). If you don’t have a child or students, connect with a friend or loved one who does—share what Dr. Berry got you thinking about and ask them about what they do.
P.S. Save the date: Join me and others who took part in this experience for a live conversation on Tuesday, July 9th at 5:00 PST/6:00 MST/7:00 CST/8:00 EST as a way to wrap up and reflect on our 12 Days of Action. Register here.
P.P.S. It’s not too late to sign up for 12 Days of Antiracist Action! Share this sign up link with your friends and we’ll help them get caught up: https://mailchi.mp/10b7b14d2037/murwtz2krf
